I share this story for one reason and one reason only; because I know what it is like to be depressed. Really, really depressed. I know how it feels to think I am the only person on the planet that wakes up each morning to a darkness that cannot be put into words. I know what it is like to put on a smile when one doesn’t come naturally, to make people laugh when I can barely laugh myself. I know how it feels to work hard in therapy, to take medication and to still feel that it’d be okay if tomorrow never comes. I share because if someone out there can find an ounce of motivation to not only keep moving forward, but to seek out appropriate help, I will be honored to have walked this path. It scares me to put this information out there; not for my friends, but for the collective anyone. But I trust that because my intention is good, I will be met with the same. As you read this, please know you are not alone. Please know that as you begin to talk others will listen and some will talk back. THAT is an amazing experience. To have someone you have always loved and adored, looked up to or admired say, “ya, I suffer from depression too”, is an incredible feeling. It feels your heart with even more love than you had before. You’ll think, “this person, the one I admire so much feels like that too? And this person, the one who makes me smile and brightens my day once walked through life in a cloud but found his way out? Wow! Maybe I can too!” So, my now friend who reads this, share. Tell your story. Invest in you. Do your research. Educate yourself. And most of all, know there is a way out! You do not always have to feel this way! If you are willing to make the commitment to yourSelf with time and education, you can feel better! You can feel better! You can feel better!
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My story of depression is a long one, as long as my life is long. But for the sake of today, the sake of this page, I will condense it to poignant highlights. My family history is riddled with depression. It has also had its heart broken by suicide; the ultimate symptom of severe depression and mental illness. I have seen my grandpa, an aunt, my dad and now four days, ago my 22 year-old cousin take their lives because they couldn’t find their way out of the pain. Addiction, usually alcoholism, is another symptom of depression. We all know how difficult it is to talk about our depression today. In the years before (and for many today) you can imagine how painful depression was when no one talked about it… not doctors, not family and certainly not an internet group site. So people often turned to alcohol to numb the pain and alcoholism ensued. When you examine your family history for depression, always consider alcoholism (and addiction) as possible predictors of historical depression. So at a glance, it is easy to see that I was diagnosed with biological, or chemical, depression.
There are many kinds of depression, but I think most importantly one needs to know if they have depression the disease. I struggled with that for a long time. I have a disease? Depression is a disease? I don’t have a disease! But what I realized not so long ago was YA! I have a disease!! And that is a good thing because if I have a disease that means I can be treated! What a sorrowful place I was in thinking I was going to feel that way forever. I thought I always would. When depressed, I didn’t think tomorrow would ever be any better because it was never better than yesterday. And yesterday felt as horrible as the day before. I remember when I went to sleep at night I dreaded tomorrow. It was just another day, just another drag, just more darkness. I slept for about 12 hours and always needed a nap during the day. I ate crappy food. I just dragged through the day with little energy and zero motivation. The world just felt dark.
When things got darker than I was comfortable with and I started to scare myself, I knew I needed help. At the time, one month ago, I was in therapy, taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrist and was meeting my spiritual needs by attending a group about twice a month,. I still felt like I was wading through thick mud and living in a dark cloud that covered me from my feet to the sky… unable to see anything bright, unable to smile when I was alone, Unable to get going or make complex decisions. I was very, very depressed.
This next sentence, one I didn’t think I would share here, is difficult to write knowing I am soon going to make it public… but here I go. I checked myself in to a hospital to receive treatment for depression. It was THE single hardest thing I have ever done. I remember thinking, “ I am a Social Worker… this is my field, not my life. I am bright. I am capable. I am educated. I have studied mySelf for a very long time. I am in therapy. I am taking medication. THIS isn’t me! Somehow, I made it there anyway. And it was THE single best decision I have ever made.
In the hospital, I was assigned a fantastic treatment team. The doctors, therapists and staff at the hospital were absolutely incredible. They were intelligent, kind and empathetic. Many people shared that they too, had suffered with depression. I felt so supported and cared for. I didn’t have to hide a thing.. . The relief in that is indescribable. I could tell people my story and no one batted an eye. I met some really incredible people: professionals, young people and older people, people with addiction issues, people with depression just like me. I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt like I was the only one on the planet walking in such a dark world. The psychiatrist changed my medication and also began a treatment for depression that I had never heard of.
(A quick side-note on my therapy and medical history. I began talk therapy when I was in seventh grade. Yes, seventh grade. Unfortunately, I was placed with a therapist that did much more harm than any good. That is another story, but the moral is, do your research. Just because someone has a degree does not mean they are good at what they do. This goes for psychiatrists and medical doctors as well. I have had a general practitioner prescribe medication for depression for me. But it is with a lot of experience and many failures that I strongly suggest seeing a psychiatrist. And if not that, a good therapist in communication with a doctor who has experience prescribing medication for mental health. PLEASE do your research! I cannot think of a good therapist, doctor or other professional who wouldn’t be happy to give you information about their practice and professional references. The only reason I can see that someone would be offended is if they have something to hide or are not confident in their abilities. Otherwise, someone good would want you to know they are capable and experienced. Do your research to find the best out there so you can get started in the process of healing! Remember, you can feel better! But it takes time and it takes professional help. Find the best professionals to help you. Otherwise, you are just dragging out this pain, dragging out the darkness, dragging on your depression. Invest in You, but invest in the best!)
When I checked out of the hospital, I was off two of three medications, was sleeping like I haven’t in years and felt a smile inside. I felt lighter: like someone had taken a body suit of led off my body, and the world looked like a bright watt bulb had replaced a dim one. I was well on my way to being free from depression. Now, I must say that my depression had become medication resistant and I qualified for an alternative treatment. I will share that with anyone who asks. Some depression is manageable with medication. That is glorious! When on the correct medication, some people experience a lightening and sometimes absence of depression. Keep working if your medication isn’t working for you! It takes time to find the right medication, or combination of medications. Stay committed to yourself. And stay persistent with your prescribing professional! Your medication should alleviate your depression. If it hasn’t, you are not on the right one. If you have just started or changed medication, be patient but be persistent. Don’t settle for a slight change. Medication is designed to HELP with depression.
And so it is. One month after making an extremely hard decision, I sit here sharing my journey with anyone who will listen. My deepest hope? That people will start talking. That you will acknowledge you are depressed, or that someone you love is depressed, and get help. Find assistance for yourself, invest in yourself, find people who are educated that can help you feel better! But most of all, my hope is that YOU will not feel alone. Please know, if you are reading this and my words strike a cord in your heart, that I know you. I know how you feel. And I absolutely know, with out a doubt and my own life as a testament that you don’t have to live the rest of your long life feeling horribly. It will take some work. But please believe me, it takes a lot less work to get better than it does to be depressed every single day. Reach out. Ask for help. Share your journey. You are not alone. And remember, life can be beautiful. Even if you don’t feel it in this moment, you are worth it. Your family is worth it. AND, YOU CAN DO IT! I know…because I did it.
Namaste’
The place in me that is bright and soulful with deep understanding and compassion recognizes the place in you that is the same. My best me honors you.
